Writing and Dreams

I have got completely out of the habit of writing.  I just to keep a notebook with me just to journal, and now, well, I don't know why I don't.

I recently realized I didn't have a lot of outside inspiration.  That seems to be missing from my life right now, so I have been exploring options to help me get back into the creative groove.  I like the idea of a mood board, a physical board, that I can see everyday.  I also think writing will help me navigate through this.  Writing has always been such an intrinsic part of my life.  It is soothing to me and helps me work through a lot of things.  I also love going back and reading about past things.  I like to see where I was, what I was thinking, how I viewed things.  I think that inspires a lot of growth in a person.

I will back up a little, as I haven't really talked much about this on my blog.  My life has changed over the last three years.  Changes that made me really start to retreat inside myself.  My marriage of 13 years collapsed, I was diagnosed with cancer, which has created a chronic illness in, I lost a lot of "friends", and moved 3.5 hours away, back to my hometown.  I really began to feel what true loneliness felt like.  I was going through cancer treatment, and though I had one close friend that was available to me, it is hard to share the burden of your body killing itself.

I met, my now fiance, and he really helped to start opening my heart.  I was shown I could love again, and I could trust again.  However, even though I have a really great partner, I am lacking in the "me" department.  Big life changes spur us onto growth, usually through pain, but growth nonetheless.  Because I have become so introverted, letting people into my life is so completely painful.  I am so scared of what they will do to me.  I have become paralyzed when it comes to meeting new people.  I am also constantly asking myself, "what do these people want from me?"  I came to realize that there were a lot of people in my life that were only there because I could get them something.  I amassed a large network of people, over the course of the last 5-6 years, and when people see that, the using type of people, they come running.  I saw that I was being used as a pawn to get people things, and that is a sad feeling.  The more I thought about this, the deeper and further I caved into myself.  I know this is not healthy.  I know that.  I am fully aware that isolating myself is not a good, healthy decision, but it is one that once it begins, it is hard to stop.

The last few months I have really been evaluating myself.  And I know I am being very hard on myself, because that is just the way I am.  I am a goal orientated person, and I like to do the best I can in every situation.  In school, I strive to get the best grades.  In my personal life, I wanted it to be as close to perfection as possible.  I had a nice house, a nice car, and a life full of things.  All of it was my doing, but none of those thing actually matter.  I am happier now with fewer things, but my desire to reach goals are still there. I am just not sure what those goals are now.  I guess this is where creating ideas comes into play.  I am back to a blank canvas, and that is a little scary for me.

 The other part of my life that has become so raw is my lack of self confidence and insecurity.  I am so aware of other people now that it has become disabling to me.  When I was younger, I was painfully shy.  I didn't like to speak in front of people, and I certainly didn't like sharing my opinion with people.  My mother just to force me to come out of my shell.  I eventually used the "fake it til you make it" mantra, and have been living that the majority of my life.  What is so interesting to me, though, I never let other women make me feel less, and this is a new feeling that I have been struggling with.  I have met some incredible women in my life, but I have also met some incredibly terrible women too.  It seems as though the toll of being torn down by the terribles, as I call them, are beginning to catch up with me.  There are a select few women that make me feel so inferior that it actually makes me sick to my stomach.  When this feeling creeps in, I remind myself; "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt.  The problem with this is, I haven't give anyone consent to make me feel less than.  I feel like the terribles just came in and took it!  I have never been a super great judge of character, because I give everyone the benefit of a doubt.  I see the good that everyone can bring to the table, and that sometimes gets me in trouble.  However, these few select terribles I can see the underlying bad in them.  I see the spot in where their deceit lies.  Sometimes I can't place it, but I know it is there, and that becomes this bitter dance.  I think social media has exacerbated this situation.  Everyone is available and messaging can be secretive and things can blow way out of proportion dues to text tone, and all this undercover motivation.  All of that terribleness plays into my insecurity and my lack of confidence.  I know I am not alone in this struggle, but I wonder why it has to even be a struggle?

2016 has been a  year of self discovery, but not necessarily in a great way.  There has been no charismatic break through, no big party to celebrate this new found me.  I have only been baptized by fire, so to speak.  The only thing I have gained is pain through growth.  I am scathed, I am scarred, and I do not feel any stronger.  I have not died from anything, but I am not stronger.  I will always hold onto my positive nature, that is one thing that will not break, but weariness is around the corner.
I love my life, as it is what I chose.  I chose to change my life in a very big way, and I knew it would be hard, but I don't think I knew it was going to chop me down at the knees.  I am aware I am in a rebuilding phase, and that might be the hardest part of this portion of my life.  Hell, it might be the hardest part that I will ever experience in my entire life, but I choose this path and I will always support my own decisions, as they are and always have been calculated.

I have been granted a beautiful partnership and one that has helped me to move forward.  He has been here for the struggle and be unwavering the entire time.  Our relationship is far from perfect, but it is what I need, and I am in the season of "need".

I never want to give out problems, or talk about problems, without having a solution.  I conclude that I will journal and write more.  There is a lot to say about humanity because we can relate.  I hope that no on is experiencing what I am, but I bet there are others out there that are.  I am going to start a mood board to help with creativity.  I am determined to find inspiration.

1 comment:

  1. I totally feel this. I hope things are looking up for you <3