This week has been a roller coaster. I have received some of the most exciting news and some of the worst news all within 5 days.
If you follow me on Facebook, you have been privy to all of this information. My community, and to get even smaller, my group of pin up friend experienced a great loss this week, as one of our own fell victim to a fatal motorcycle accident.
I don't like to talk, or really write about sad things, but those closest to me know, death has been something that has knocked on my door, one too many times.
I have a large, large family and my first recollection of attending a funeral was my grandmothers. I was 6, almost 7. I remember placing a rose inside her casket. I remember seeing my father cry, for the very first time. The memories are very vague, but still some are very easily recalled.
From that time, forward, I have attended a slew of funerals. Most distant family members, that I didn't know very well, or ones that had passed, but lived a very full life. Those details do not make a funeral less sad, but easier for the living to cope with. It wasn't until I turned 18, that my world would change in the largest way it had ever encountered.
Between August through the end of January, during me eighteen years of living, I attended 9 funerals, all of people my age, all of people that were well within my close circle of friends. It took me a long time to deal with all of it, and honestly that time of my life is very much a blur to me. Almost like I am 6, almost 7, trying to recall memories.
That part of my life almost killed me. Emotionally, Spiritually, and physically. Who would ever know how to cope with that much loss? All the while, I watched the loss of my parent's marriage and was turning into an 'adult' that was supposed to just magically know how or what to do.
I am still learning from that time in my life, and understanding that while it is in the past, it is something I carry with me. It taught me good things, like what it means to be comforting, but it also calloused me, causing me to be so numb and unemotional when it comes to trying times.
My aunt passed away a few years ago this August, and when I learned of her passing, I didn't cry. I dealt with it clinical and practical (read: unhealthy) and it wasn't until I saw her at the visitation that I lost all control of my emotions. Grieving is just something that is so raw and unnerving but the most natural and vulnerable a person can be.
This past week I lost the 10th person, in my age group, that passed way too soon. Ten. That number seen so big and so undeserving to me. 10. Double digits. Ten beautiful people that have come into my life for the shortest while, and then breezed right out, just a quickly as the entered.
I have thought "What was the last thing I said?" and "What was the last thing I did with them?". I am so thankful that the way I left that beautiful woman was with a hug and telling her how stunning she looked, that I couldn't wait to see her photos and couldn't wait to meet this new man.
With each passing, I learn something. This time ten times over. Hug your family and friends even if it feel awkward at the time. Always leave on a good note even if you don't want to. Take pictures and when you feel like you have taken too many, take some more.
You all are amazing. I hope you know that.